I do not watch much television. I refer to it as the idiot box, as my father used to call it. I came across a TV show called "Cheaters", and I was floored at the amount of shows in its episode archives. The show has been around for years. two decades at least.
Over the course of my natural life, almost half of people in monogamous relationships acknowledge cheating on a partner. Anyone who has ever experienced a partner's infidelity can report how damaging it is to the relationship and one’s overall sense of trust and self esteem.
After infidelity, big questions loom: Why did they cheat? Were there signs I missed? And perhaps most devastating of all: Did I bring this on myself? We are always looking for cause and effect in human behavior, but the answers are seldom clear, especially regarding intimate relationships. Retrospect provides a lot of information, but unfortunately, it is in the form of hindsight.
When we look at infidelity, there are a lot of underlying factors that can contribute to the behavior. It can be useful to examine these factors, whether you are trying to maintain the relationship or just heal and move on.
Let's look at the cheater pathology shall we?
The first aspect of cheating to examine is the person engaging in the behavior. While it is impossible to determine every scenario or characteristic that factors into a person’s actions, these five aspects may indicate a propensity toward self-serving behaviors like infidelity.
- Ego: A person’s sense of themselves can play a critical role in whether they cheat on their partner. If someone’s worth is tied up in others’ evaluation of them, it is easier to submit to the temptations of infidelity when someone shows interest outside the primary relationship.
- Personality Components: After someone finds out a partner was untrue, they may hear others say things like, “I always thought he seemed like someone who would cheat,” or just the opposite: "Wow, she didn’t seem like the cheating kind!” There isn’t necessarily a “cheating kind,” but certain personality traits may suggest a greater willingness to stray. People who view themselves as superior to others (think narcissists) may justify infidelity as allowing oneself access to a special connection that their primary partner does not possess. It is common for people with narcissistic personalities to select partners with low self-esteem or fear of abandonment, as this is a guaranteed supply of adoration and praise. Infidelity is then a common behavior when boredom with the primary partner (to whom they feel superior) sets in.
- Factors of empathy: The ability to feel for others' emotional states can also play a role in a person’s willingness to stray from a relationship. Most people have an ingrained ability to imagine how others may feel, which can be a helpful guide for behaviors. Those who do not have a natural sense of empathy are more likely to cheat on their partner because the feelings of others are not relevant.
- Opportunistic Tendencies: Some folks may not go looking for an affair, but if an opportunity presented itself and there was little chance of being caught, they might act on it. It can be difficult to predict who would fall into this category, as it is so situation-specific, but a person’s ability to “do the right thing” even when no one is watching is a factor in this scenario.
- Inability to Set and Maintain Self-Imposed Limits: When we desperately want something (or, in this case, someone), the deciding factor of whether we take action is based on our ability to tell ourselves “No” and commit to that decision. Some people may be able to set and keep self-imposed limits on certain aspects of their life but not others. It is important to note that just because someone struggles w/willpower in one area of their life, it does not mean they will be unable to stick to a commitment in another area.
Toxins Within a Committed Relationship That Impact Fidelity
- Communication Problems: Couples unable to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs to one another face a greater chance of an emotional disconnection that can leave both people feeling alone in the relationship. Lonliness within a monogamous relationship can be dangerous territory, particularly if the couple is not working on improving the situation and building better communication dynamics.
- Long-Standing Resentments: Over time, most relationships develop resentments or negative feelings due to circumstances that occur within the relationship. While some degree of resentment is considered “normal and expected,” these feelings can fester into destructive behaviors, and people justify infidelity if the resentment is strong enough.
- Sexual Dysfunction or Lack of Intimacy: Couples who are not sexually compatible or lack intimacy can be at greater risk of infidelity due to unmet physical and emotional needs. Some couples weather sexual problems without infidelity. It largely depends on the specific dynamics of the relationship. If a couple is healthy in other ways, sexual dysfunction can be overcome with different types of connection and intimacy.
It is also important to recognize that some people may not be cut out for monogamy. If you or your partner struggles with long-term, monogamous relationships, it might be worth examining this to see if a conventional relationship is the best avenue to pursue. Talking about these factors early on can save a lot of pain or unexpected heartache down the road.
#cheaters #relationships #monogamy #singles
