What Love Really Looks Like

 I've been down this road so many times, my dinosaur sends me hallmark cards. Many claim finding love is a difficult feat, I find it difficult to hold onto. People have been socially conditioned to where people have become disposable. 

My parents have been together 68yrs. Through good times, and bad. Not one walked out. No thoughts of divorce. No 'the grass is greener on the other side' nonsense. No "goomars" on the side. My father & mother are devout Catholics, so yes, they come from a different time. The principle remains, y6u take a vow, you honor that vow. I failed that course. Although my reasons I hold valid, it's still no excuse. I'll admit my part in choice. My choices were poor. The men I've been with, didn't have any values whatsoever. Respect being number one.

Couples that're truly in love engage in nonverbal behaviors such that the amount of love can be measured by these body language cues.

 I’ve heard it said hundreds of times: “That couple looks like they are in love.” Obviously, there must be some body language cues that suggest that two people are indeed in love.

The role of nonverbal communication in loving relationships: Motivational differences matter. Lovers are simply more attentive to a partner than they are to friends, acquaintances, or strangers. As a result, you can identify people who are in love because they are more physically close to their partner. Persons in love will tend to allow the other into their most intimate personal space “bubble.”

Because lovers’ faces are closer together, and they are more directly oriented to one another, they are thus better able to read each other’s nonverbal facial cues. They are more attentive, notice subtle changes in facial expressions, and, as a result, are more in tune with each other. Reading facial cues is critical to making an emotional connection with another person, so lovers have a clear advantage.

This is why lovers can be easily identified: They tend to engage in more mutual gaze – looking deeply into each other’s eyes. In fact, one can measure the degree of intense intimacy in a relationship based on the amount of time that a couple engages in mutual gaze.

Nonverbal "bids.": Couples in love exchange “bids.” A bid can be a look, a touch, a brief gesture—any body language cue that tells the other person that “I care about you and want to be connected to you.” In fact, when one partner consistently does not respond to the other’s bid, it can be an indication that the love connection between the two is diminishing. When partners who are attentive to one another and consistently respond to the other’s “bids” tend to have more stable, loving relationships. However, couples that are headed for divorce tend to not respond to the other’s bids more than half of the time.

Intimacy is important. Love is one of the most profound emotions known to human beings. There are many kinds of love, but many people seek its expression in a romantic relationship with a compatible partner (or partners). For these individuals, romantic relationships comprise one of the most meaningful aspects of life, and are a source of deep fulfillment.

While need for human connection appears to be innate, the ability to form healthy, loving relationships is learned. Some evidence suggests that the ability to form a stable relationship starts to form in infancy, in a child's earliest experiences with a caregiver who reliably meets the infant's needs for food, care, warmth, protection, stimulation, and social contact. Such relationships are not destiny, but they are theorized to establish deeply ingrained patterns of relating to others. The end of a relationship, however, is often a source of great psychological anguish.

Maintaining a strong relationship requires constant care & communication, and certain traits have been shown to be especially important for fostering healthy relationships. Each individual should, for starters, feel confident that their partner is willing to devote time and attention to the other. They must both also be committed to accommodating their differences, even as those change over time.

In the 21st century, good relationships are generally marked by emotional and physical fairness, particularly in the distribution of chores necessary to maintain a household. Partners in strong relationships also feel grateful for one another, openly provide and receive affection, and engage in honest discussions about sex.

In good relationships, partners try to afford their partner the benefit of the doubt, which creates a sense of being on the same team. This feeling, maintained over the long term, can help couples overcome the challenges they will inevitably face together.

Finding a partner with whom to share a life is a wonderful but frequently difficult process. Whether it's conducted online or in-person, the search will likely push an individual into unfamiliar settings to encounter potential partners. To be successful, it is often necessary to go outside of one's comfort zone.

Determining whether a particular person is suitable as a potential mate, and whether a connection reflects temporary infatuation or true love, can challenging, but research suggests that there are revealing clues in behavior.

One possibly counterintuitive indicator of a potential match is one's sense of self. Someone who would make a good partner may push an individual to discover new activities or beliefs that expand their own self concept. Another early signifier may be stress: Repeatedly interacting with someone whose impression matters deeply to us can fuel anxiety. Other positive indicators include being highly motivated to see the person and investing a significant amount of time, emotion, and energy into the budding relationship.

How relationships fail: Every relationship represents a leap of faith for at least one partner, and even in the happiest couples, the very traits that once attracted them to each other can eventually become annoyances that drive them apart. Acquiring the skills to make a connection last is hard work, and threats may spring up without notice. In short-term, casual relationships, neither partner may see a truly viable long-term future together, but often only one takes action, in some cases ghosting the other, walking out of their lives with no communication, not even a text. 

For some couples, infidelity is both the first and last straw, but a surprising number of relationships survive betrayal, some only to have their connection upended by everyday threats such as a loss of interest in physical intimacy, or a waning of positive feeling in the wake of constant criticism, contempt, or defensiveness. Even staying together for decades is no guarantee that a couple will remain connected: The divorce rate for couples over 50 has doubled since 1990. Some people can walk away from years of marriage and instantly feel unburdened. For others, the end of a relationship that lasted just a few dates can trigger emotional trauma that lingers for years. However a breakup plays out, it can be a major stressor with an effect on ego and selfesteem that cannot be ignored.

Human attraction is driven by biological and evolutionary factors, but it can also be idiosyncratic. We may find ourselves attracted to many people, at least momentarily. Determining whether our interest in or connection with someone reflects a temporary infatuation or true love can sometimes be challenging, but research suggests that there are revealing clues in the other person’s behavior, and your own. One key early signifier that you may be serious about someone is stress: Repeatedly interacting with someone whose opinion matters deeply to you can fuel  anxiety

According to psychology, there are some universal human attractors: Men, for example, tend to be attracted to women with physical markers of youth and health. But in reality, you need not be exceptionally attractive to find a mate; only attractive enough to entice your mate. The theory of assortative mating holds that people who couple up tend to have similar levels of attractiveness: We seek, with some exceptions, people such as ourselves.

Generally people will make a snap judgment about whether a potential partner is attractive in a fraction of a second. In instances where people meet each other in a speed dating scenario, men were more likely than women to find their potential partners attractive and were more likely to base their verdict on looks.

Even people who date often and remain open to new people may not have an easy time finding long-term love. Statistics shows that the most successful couples meet through shared social networks or while pursuing a common interest, and couples with weaker social ties outside of each other may take longer to commit to marriage. Novelty can also be an important factor in relationship success: Someone who pushes you to consider new activities or beliefs that expand your self concept may be a partner with whom you can have a relationship that stays fresh for decades.

Finding the right partner may begin with physical attraction, but it's personality that tends to keep couples together. People who reveal themselves to be emotionally stable and agreeable tend to be more likely to have satisfying long-term relationships. In the thrilling early days of a relationship, we tend to ignore less favorable traits, which is why experts suggest that we not rush into long-term commitment and not delay discussing potential conflicts.

People who believe there is one perfect person out there for them, in other words, a soulmate, may struggle to find love. When one believes their eventual partner must be perfect (the “unity” mindset), they are more likely to end relationships that had a real chance of success over conflicts that may be solvable. Those who believe love is a journey and that relationships inevitably have ups and downs are much more likely to end up satisfied.

Deciding to get married, or to commit to each other in a less formal but equally emotionally significant way, is the biggest step many couples will take. If one believes that one person can never truly know another person, romantic commitment will always be a gamble. But when partners feel like they are equally devoted to each other, and express that through their words and behaviors, especially those that are less conscious, they can move forward with greater confidence and hope.

 Knowing whether your feelings for a partner are mutual is a challenge but research points to some relatively sure signs of a relationship development, such as initiating communication often and responding quickly to you, as well as using more “we” than “I” talk in conversation; a lack of hesitation about spending time together; and consistent simple gestures of affection like hand holding, hugging, and sitting or close by.

 Love is hard to define, although many researchers believe it encompasses passion, intimacy, and commitment, the three aspects of what’s known as “consummate love.” To see where you are, and help determine if it's love, some experts suggest asking yourself questions like, How often do I think about the person?; Is it exciting to see them?; How well do they know me?; Do I feel responsible for them?; and, Am I “all-in” with them?

**I tend to utilize the Carrie Bradshaw rule myself: “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.' "An American Girl In Paris" episode.

Strong relationships require different types of nurturing—physical, emotional, and attentional. Certain traits have been shown to be especially important for maintaining healthy connections. For example, each individual should, for starters, feel confident that their partner is willing to devote time and attention to them. And they must both be committed to addressing and accommodating the differences and challenges that will inevitably emerge.

In the most successful relationships, partners not only afford each other the benefit of the doubt; they take active supportive steps that foster a powerful sense of being on the same team. Maintained over the long term, research shows, that connection provides individuals a solid emotional base for pursuing their dreams and for bouncing back quickly when they encounter setbacks.

What’s the key to intimacy in a relationship? Feeling emotionally safe, which involves being both relaxed and open, may be an essential ingredient of true intimacy. When one partner gives in to criticism or contempt, and attacks the other, they can erode intimacy by triggering the other’s self-defense mechanisms and chipping away at their trust. This is one reason why research suggests that couples require many more positive than negative interactions with each other to maintain relationship health.

Maintaining a relationship requires some baseline measures of respect, which research suggests include a partner’s attention, affection, honesty, and gratitude, as well as a willingness to address conflict and an openness to sharing the household workload. The prolonged absence of these measures can jeopardize a relationship’s future, and so experts urge partners to address them when they become a concern

More than 80 percent of people in committed relationships report that their partner is their best friend, and research suggests that being a part of such a “two-in-one” relationship, or experiencing “companionate” love, brings significant emotional benefits, starting with the likelihood that a relationship will endure long-term. When couples together at least 15 years were asked to identify the number-one secret to their success, most pointed to their friendship.

An individual cannot feel secure in a relationship if they feel their partner is too critical of them or is constantly hovering to correct their perceived flaws. Over the long-term, it’s easy to become frustrated by a partner’s habits and to lash out when they refuse to change, but taking a step back and viewing a flaw in the context of the overall relationship should help you find the perspective and acceptance you need to maintain your connection.

I know. Observations, no solutions.

#love #relationships